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| My fiancé's sister told us that she'll "let us know" if she and her 8-year-old will be attending our wedding because the daughter has a dance recital. I find this to be extremely hurtful. Am I wrong? — RSVP already
No. It's understandable that you feel hurt. What you need to consider is, where is this hurt coming from? Is it because you really value the relationship with your niece and your sister-in-law and you're really disappointed they won't be there to be part of your big day? Or is it because, even though you're not close, you feel as though it says something about you that they're not going to be there – like you're being snubbed? This will help guide your response.
Rather than being confrontational, you can get in touch with her and let her know that you'd be disappointed if they were not able to make it. Let her know how much you'd love them to be a part of your big day. But also, express interest in the recital. What's big for an 8-year-old isn't necessarily big for you. This recital might be a really big deal to her, and her mom might not want to let her down. — Natalie Lue, founder of Baggage Reclaim (More of Lue’s advice here.)
My husband spent thousands of dollars on impulse buys and hid the credit card bill until it was too big to hide. He turned his accounts over to me and our relationship is recovering, but I still feel extremely resentful. How can I move forward? — Begrudging bookkeeper
Moving forward means that you have to begin where you are, and your starting place is resentful. Of course it is — this was a breach of trust. Not only do you have to get your financial accounts in order and pay back this debt, but you also have to deal with the idea that your partner, somebody that you trust, has done something without your knowledge. There's a reason your husband kept his spending hidden from you. He knew it was going to be an issue.
I would say, share where you're coming from. Share your resentment, as hard as it is to talk about. Share how this affects you. And look for solutions in terms of what was driving his impulsivity with money.
Your husband may have very different ideas about managing money, different priorities or a different relationship with his impulses than you do. As the two of you work on this together, you may discover that your husband is more motivated by avoiding damage to your relationship, than by having the same intrinsic motivation as you when it comes to money. This is a really important opportunity to look not just at the safety in your financial lives together, but at how this impacts the intimacy and trust between the two of you.
— Amanda Clayman, financial therapist (More of Clayman’s advice here.)
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And finally, a video advice column |
To close out, we’re sharing some of *your* responses to this toughie we posted on Instagram:
My 19-year-old doesn’t think I should use Find My iPhone to see where he is when he’s out late. I know he lives on his own during the school year, but when he’s home, I think he should follow my rules. What do you think? — My house, my rules |
(You can hear psychologist Jody Adewale’s expert advice in the video above.)
🔹 Absolutely not. Let your adult son live his life. Parents that need this level of control over their children are making it impossible to have a relationship based on trust. — @marissa_meow_
🔹 My house, my rules doesn’t really apply if it’s a 19 year old. At that point it’s not your kid living with you, it’s a tenant. Want rules? Makes him sign a lease. — @nathanielfreund
🔹 My 21 year old who lives at home still has it on her phone. She also has my location. She stalks me more than I stalk her. — @sifullerton
🔹 Tracking a kid feels like that one episode from black mirror - I agree though it’s useful for emergency situations. — @feistysauce
🔹 If you’re paying his phone bill, it’s 100% your right. Not sure what it’ll do to your relationship though. — @ebruce2
🔹 Rules shouldn’t be more important than the relationship between you and your loved ones. Period. We do not own each other. — @strangelandspodcast
Next time you’re feeling stuck, remember you can always ask Life Kit. And while you know we’re here for you through thick and thin, we wish you a fun-filled and low-drama weekend.
— Beck Harlan, Life Kit visuals editor
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💡 What's a hack that's changed your life? 💡 Send us a note at lifekit@npr.org or leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823. Your life tip could appear on an upcoming episode of Life Kit or in our video series on Instagram! |
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