We often applaud people for being resilient. The ability to overcome and adapt to difficult life situations seems like an overwhelmingly positive thing – right?
But what if glorifying resilience can actually be detrimental?
In a conversation with TK Dutes, Lourdes Dolores Follins, psychotherapist and licensed clinical social worker, reminds us that opportunities to practice resilience stem from hardship. So, the most resilient among us have carried some of the heaviest loads. Often, she says, we conflate resiliency with strength, and that can cover up the bigger, systemic issues causing people’s lives to be so hard.
“We’re constantly imbibing this idea that you got to be strong, you got to be hard, you got to be on a grind all the time,” she says. But words like “strength,” “tenacity” and “resilience” put the onus on the person suffering rather than the environment and systems in which they live.
Throwing around words like these reminds me of the senior superlative awards they’d give out in high school – things like “Class Clown,” “Most Likely to Succeed,” “Cutest Couple” – all titles people were eager to win and would tote around with pride. But “Most Resilient” is a badge of honor no one really wants to have to earn.
Follins reminds us that it’s OK to crave ease and softness in our lives, and to reject the title of “resilient” as a compliment.
Keep scrolling for our comic, illustrated by NPR's Connie Hanzhang Jin, on how to reframe your relationship with resilience and lean into the emotions underneath.
— Andee Tagle, Life Kit producer
Connie Hanzhang Jin/NPR
You can listen to the full episode on reframing resilience here.
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