🚩 Learn the signs of radicalization

Plus, how to talk about it with your kids

View this email online Tracy J. Lee for NPR Friends, I’m going to level with you. This newsletter was originally written for a different shooting tragedy.  But since these events happen so frequently I was able to – with deep disgust and sadness – change a few details – Buffalo to Uvalde to Highland Park. It’s really hard to be a human these days, isn’t it? I’m the parent of two kids – 8 and 11 – and there’s something terrifying that creeps into my consciousness every time I see another tragedy like the kind of shootings carried out by extremists that we’ve seen in recent years and days. Buffalo, El Paso, Christchurch. The criminal is almost always – a young, white man.  I am raising two young, white men.  It’s a horror to think that your kid could be a victim. It’s a whole different kind of fear, to think that your kid could be … I hardly want to write it down … a perpetrator. A racist. A sexist. A bigot. Someone who could even be susceptible to those ideas.   Because we know where a lot of these ideas come from – they are part of the online world that our kids frequent. I’m not even talking about the places that openly identify themselves as homes for white supremacy: I’m talking about Roblox, YouTube, all the gaming platforms and social media. It’s hard not to panic. I wasn’t sure if the way that I was talking about it with my kids – especially when it comes to the dangers online – was the right way. So I called an expert. Christine Saxman talks to parents and teachers about this stuff all the time. She’s been doing racial and social justice facilitation for about twenty years.  And the first thing I have to communicate to you is ... don’t panic! What I found was surprisingly empowering.  Below are the top tips that she gave me. And I have to say, things are already a lot calmer in my house. (In just this one respect: Life Kit, I look forward to your episode on keeping kids from making “deez nuts” jokes in polite company.)  You can listen to the full Life Kit episode on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.  Newsletter continues after sponsor message 🚩 Learn the signs of radicalization. It’s really important to know when your kid might be falling down the rabbit hole. What are the signs you should be aware of? Saxman told me to keep an eye out for the kinds of jokes your kids are reacting to and making. Be particularly aware if they’re beginning to engage with humor that dehumanizes others, in particular gay, transphobic and sexist jokes. Disguised as humor, it gives people with racist agendas plausible deniability, because it’s “just” a joke.  “Joking around LGBT issues,” Saxman says, “... is a very common entry point for many different conspiracy theories. So the jokes get worse and worse, and then the content gets worse and worse…because once they've normalized this kind of dialog that it's okay to dehumanize gay people, it's okay to dehumanize women, that we believe that there's this Jewish cabal running things, that that's the stepping stone to go deeper and deeper.”   She also recommended having some idea of the shape this kind of seduction can take. Western States Center has a comprehensive toolkit that can help you identify the different stages radicalization can take, like sharing jokes and memes to be “edgy,” or even asserting conspiratorial beliefs in daily life.  💡 Help your kids understand their own power.   They have to learn to ask the right questions, not just of the content they see, but of their friends. What helps, especially with older children, is encouraging them to recognize and develop their own agency. Saxman suggests supportive phrases like, "I believe you're a critical thinker." Or "I know you like to ask questions." Then, she says, you're "co-creating and learning about things together." ❤️ Don’t overreact!! You need to keep that relationship open. I … am reactive. I love to react. But Saxman made the point that when you blow up in fear about something, teenagers are less likely to seek you out when they really need you. So I’ve started training myself to chill out, and bring up issues from a place of curiosity rather than fear. Here’s that balance again – it’s really scary out there, but I don’t want to make the kids think that they are up against something that is impossible to overcome.   🗣 Communicate frequently with other parents. This can be awkward. But you have to do it!  Not every family has the same rules around screens and online content, especially those with multiple ages in the house. For instance, if your kid has a friend with unfettered YouTube access, and they’re watching it every time they go over to their buddy’s house, it’s important for you to know that, and to know how the parents are communicating about it.   It might mean you have to reconcile different views about what’s appropriate. But these are important conversations, Saxman says, so be open to learning more about why one parents’ rules may differ from another, “Just be curious,” she says and suggests that you ask questions about how they came to that decision, and what it means for their own relationship with their child. The more you talk about what other parents are seeing and talking about in their own house, the more you know about what your own kid is exposed to — and what they are reading, watching, playing.  🔎 Most of all, BE CURIOUS Hey kids – What are you doing on TikTok? What’s good? What’s funny? Here’s someone I like! Oh you think I’m old? OK, well who do you like? Who’s your favorite YouTuber? What kind of stuff do you see? Normalize your Interest in their online life. Play Mario Kart! Make them build you a house in Minecraft. Curiosity builds relationships.  I want to leave you with this from Saxman, when I asked her if there was anything in her work that gave her hope, she said: “I'm really hopeful about young people. I feel the ways in which they have weathered COVID. They have weathered all of this. They do self-monitor. They monitor each other. I believe in them. And so I want to create a container to continue to support that. And that's what I want to ask from other adults.” Thanks, friends. — Barrie Hardymon, Senior Editor, Weekend Edition P.S. I do want to emphasize that this episode is mostly about prevention, and that all of this means nothing if you aren’t raising kids who are fluent in the language of racism and anti-racism. (If you're looking for resources, Ibram X. Kendi has a brand new book out called How to Raise an Antiracist!) If you want to share this episode with a friend, here's the link. 📬 We’re working on an episode about how to change your name, and we want to hear from you!  Have you changed your first name? We’d love to hear your story. Send us a voice memo or an email to lifekit@npr.org with the subject line “name change.”  Stream your local NPR station. Visit NPR.org to find your local station stream. What do you think of today's email? We'd love to hear your thoughts, questions and feedback: LifeKit@npr.org Enjoying this newsletter? Forward to a friend! They can sign up here. Looking for more great content? Check out all of our newsletter offerings — including Daily News, Code Switch, Health and more! You received this message because you're subscribed to Life Kit emails. This email was sent by National Public Radio, Inc., 1111 North Capitol Street NE, Washington, DC 20002 Unsubscribe  |  Privacy Policy