The Morning: The friends we keep

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May 7, 2022

By Melissa Kirsch

Good morning. Our time and attention are valuable resources, and we're in control of how — and on whom — we spend them.

Allie Sullberg

Good friends

I got together this week with an old friend I hadn't seen since before the pandemic. Before meeting up, I was seized with a now-familiar apprehension. Would we find our old dynamic? Or would we sit across from one another awkwardly, unable to reclaim the rhythms and repartee that used to come so easily?

Only after the reunion went off without a hitch did I realize that I'd feared that if we hadn't regained our groove, this could have been our last meeting for a while.

Perhaps it's the clarity that comes from enduring a difficult period, but I've noticed, in myself and others, a diminishing tolerance for uncomfortable or unfulfilling social interactions. Seeing my old friend was thrilling. It felt nutrient-dense, almost like our connection was refueling my personality. But I've also experienced the opposite: a quick drink with an acquaintance that feels unduly exhausting.

My colleague Catherine Pearson spoke to experts to determine how many friends a person needs in order to stave off loneliness. (A 2010 meta-analysis found that loneliness is "as harmful to physical health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.") While no consensus emerged on an optimal number, Catherine did find that more isn't always better: "Spending time with friends you feel ambivalent about — because they're unreliable, critical, competitive or any of the many reasons people get under our skin — can be bad for your health."

Our time and attention are valuable and finite, and we're in control of what we do with them. We forget this sometimes. We reflexively say yes to invitations because we happen to be free. We go to events out of a vague sense of obligation. We say, "Let's meet for drinks," because it's socially easier than just saying, "Take care."

In "The Writing Life," Annie Dillard writes: "How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. What we do with this hour, and that one, is what we are doing." It's an encouragement to live with intention. It's good wisdom to keep in mind when deciding whom we spend our time with as well.

How are you spending your days? Let me know.

For More

"The voluntary nature of friendship makes it subject to life's whims in a way that more formal relationships aren't": "How Friendships Change in Adulthood," from The Atlantic.
Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman wrote a book about their friendship.
From Glamour: "The Upside of Losing Touch During the Pandemic."

WEEKENDS ARE FOR …

🍿 Movies: An Argentine heist thriller is among our international streaming picks.

🎧 Podcasts: Six that go deeper on news and history.

🖼 Art: Fairs in New York include Tefaf, for former museum works, and NADA, showcasing painting and ceramics.

THE WEEK IN CULTURE

Marvel Studios

The "Doctor Strange" sequel premiering this weekend is set in a multiverse with multiple versions of multiple characters. Keep track of it all.
NPR asks whether we've hit our TV limit.
The "Jeopardy!" champion Mattea Roach ended her 23-game streak yesterday.
The Met Gala had gowns, glam and after-parties (and glam-squad after-parties).
Destination fashion shows have returned. First up? Chanel.
Pusha T had his first No. 1 album, two decades into his career.
Bill Murray said a movie production was suspended because a female co-star had objected to something that he saw as a joke.
"Buy now, pay later" options for online retailers are increasingly sending young people into debt, SFGATE reports.
The Smithsonian museums will return works from their collections that were looted.

THE LATEST NEWS

Ukrainian soldiers greet each other yesterday.Lynsey Addario for The New York Times

Ukraine braced for a possible assault by Russia ahead of its Victory Day holiday, which may mark the start of an escalation. Follow our updates.
Both sides are focusing on one village at a time in Ukraine's east.
Republicans worried about voter backlash have been quiet about the draft Supreme Court opinion overturning Roe v. Wade.
The nationalist party Sinn Fein was on track to become the largest bloc in Northern Ireland's government, a seismic shift.
The U.S. added 428,000 jobs in April and the unemployment rate remained low.
Elon Musk's goals for Twitter include quintupling revenue while reducing reliance on advertisers.

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RECIPE OF THE WEEK

David Malosh for The New York Times. Food Stylist: Simon Andrews.

By Melissa Clark

Sheet-Pan Pancakes

Here's a confession: I hate having breakfast in bed. All those toast crumbs, syrup drips and tea spills make me too tense to enjoy it — on Mother's Day or any other morning. But I do love it when my family makes me breakfast. So I've put in a request for Jerrelle Guy's terrific sheet-pan chocolate chip pancakes. This easy, satisfying recipe has become a favorite in our house, with two tiny tweaks. Instead of baking the batter in one large sheet pan, we divide it across two smaller, quarter-sheet pans (measuring 9-by-13 inches) so there are more crispy edges. It's a tip pinched from the recipe notes, and it works. The second is nixing the chocolate chips, because that leaves more room for loads of softened butter, blueberries and a downpour of maple syrup. (Want more satisfying recipes? Check out my column this week.)

REAL ESTATE

Clockwise from left: Aspect Six/Florian Marschoun; Sarah Strunk for Sage Sotheby's International Realty; Hampton Roads Real Estate Photography

What you get for $475,000: A cottage in Amherst, Mass.; a Prairie-style house in Oklahoma City; or a 1913 home in Norfolk, Va.

The hunt: They wanted to buy in Los Angeles without a bidding war. Which home did they choose? Play our game.

In Dallas: After two midcentury renovations, why not a third?

Museum living: An art collector's home overlooking Central Park is listed for $19.5 million.

LIVING

Samuel Aranda for The New York Times

Making up for lost time: Europe's club scene is back.

Wedding registries: There's a right way to ask for cash.

A luxury look: The $200,000 face-lift is here.

Netflix for beaches: Subscription vacation services target frequent travelers and bargain shoppers.

Reminiscent: Virtual reality therapy helps older adults visit their pasts to boost well-being.

GAME OF THE WEEKEND

Xavier Burrell for The New York Times

The Kentucky Derby: Grab your fanciest hat and mix some mint juleps: It's Derby Day. The mile-and-a-quarter horse race is referred to as "the most exciting two minutes in sports," and the winner gets a shot at horse racing's premiere prize, the Triple Crown. For many, though, the party is the main draw. Coverage begins at 2:30 p.m. Eastern today on NBC, with the race set for 6:57 p.m.

For more

The Times previews the race.
Here's our recipe for mint juleps.
Revisit Hunter S. Thompson's classic 1970 dispatch from the Derby.

NOW TIME TO PLAY

The pangram from yesterday's Spelling Bee was weighty. Here is today's puzzle — or you can play online.

Take the news quiz to see how well you followed this week's headlines.

Here's today's Wordle. If you're in the mood to play more, find all our games here.

Before You Go …

If you have half an hour, read "The Caregivers," about the relationship between a couple and an imprisoned artist.
Here's a good interview with the filmmaker Werner Herzog.
And check out The Weather Station performing "Tried to Tell You."

Thanks for spending part of your weekend with The Times. — Melissa

Claire Moses, Ian Prasad Philbrick, Tom Wright-Piersanti, Ashley Wu and Sanam Yar contributed to The Morning. You can reach the team at themorning@nytimes.com.