Why can't I see my own success?

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Why can't I see my own success?

Productivity dysmorphia sits at the intersection of burnout, imposter syndrome and anxiety

Anna Codrea-Rado

Sep 17

A few years ago, I wrote a front-page story for the New York Times.

I spent a lot of time coming up with reasons to minimise the achievement. It was a shared byline; the story was assigned to me rather than my own idea; my contribution was minimal compared to the lead reporter’s.

This inability to see my own success has continued to follow me around my career. And lately, it’s only become worse.

When my book came out earlier this year, I didn’t want to talk about it. I was fine in the controlled environments of podcasts and panels to “market it”, but when someone in my personal life asked about it, I felt terribly awkward. People would tell me how proud I must be, to which I’d nod in agreement but inside feel deeply ashamed because I just wasn’t.

It’s really rubbish feeling rubbish, so I did what I usually do when I can’t work something out: I wrote about it.

In a piece for Refinery29, I look a closer look at the disconnect between what one actually achieves and their feelings about it. And I gave it a name: productivity dysmorphia.

I asked people if they felt the same way (spoiler alert, they do) and spoke to a bunch of brilliant experts to find out more about it.

What I learned from speaking to them is that productivity dysmorphia sits at the intersection of burnout, imposter syndrome and anxiety. It is ambition’s alter ego: the pursuit of productivity spurs us to do more while robbing us of the ability to savour any success we might encounter along the way.

As for where I’m at with my own productivity dysmorphia now, it’s an ongoing process. But what I can say is this: I pitched, wrote and published a piece about something that’s important to me and I’m proud of that achievement. No buts.

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WHAT I’M UP TO

I wrote about scheduling my hobbies in an attempt to cure my burnout for Business Insider. I used to roll my eyes at the idea of planning my free time, but there’s a lot of research that shows it can lift your mood. The technical term is “behavioural activation” and it’s a CBT technique (available on the NHS, via apps or self-guided)
If you want the inside scoop on how I pitched that story to Business Insider, join me and commissioning editor Jack Sommers on Twitter Spaces next Thursday (23/09) at 1 PM (BST). We’re going to talk about what editors want from freelancers and vice versa!
I’ve also got a piece out in this month’s issue of Red Magazine about how our career past can haunt us. I reflected on whether experiences in my first job might have planted the seeds that led me to later choose self-employment
And the Evening Standard interviewed me about the death of work ethic

THINGS I READ AND LIKED A LOT

I gobbled up Emilie Pine’s Notes to Self, a searing collection of personal essays. It’s a tiny book but leaves an enormous impression.
I’m absolutely giddy that Gawker is back, because where else would publish such a brilliant piece about how Sally Rooney’s Irishness is a central but overlooked facet in critical readings of her work
Lena Dunham, Adam Buxton and Anish Kapoor on the new rules of success
A brief history of productivity and why we’re so frustrated by it
Twitter revoked Chris Stokel-Walker’s blue tick and he’s confused AF

WHAT YOU TOLD ME

Last time, I shared a list of my favourite newsletters. Reader Traci Taylor said something very kind to say:

I'm so far behind in my newsletters, but reading this on a Monday morning filled me with joy & inspiration! Thank you for sharing this magnificent list with your readers.

So, this week, tell me. Do you struggle to see your own success? Post your thoughts as a comment or just hit reply to this email and let me know. I’ll share my favourite in the next issue.

SUBSCRIBE AND SHARE

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