My niece is only 15 months old but I am already trying to secure the title of “favorite auntie.” Even though I live almost 3,000 miles away from her, I want her to feel loved and supported by me. There is seemingly endless advice for parents about how to raise children. But what about the aunties, uncles, friends and neighbors out there?
First off, it’s important to ask yourself how often you want to stay in touch, says Turner. Kids develop attachments and get used to a particular level of interaction. For me, that means being the auntie who will visit on birthdays, bearing heartfelt gifts.
Even though my niece won’t remember her first trip around the sun, I flew cross country to celebrate her with the rest of my family. As a gift, I framed a poem I wrote for her the week she was born. She can’t read yet, but I like the idea of her having a record of her first days.
Here are three more things you can do to become the “favorite auntie.”
🎶 Figure out your shared interests. Think about an activity or subject you enjoy that you can share with the kids in your life. "A lot of the auntie role is, of course, caretaking," says Cargle. "But it's also teaching and exposing and introducing and showing up."
Do you like getting your nails done or making TikToks? Is the kid in your life a big Seahawks fan or are they really good at math? See which hobbies intrigue the child and help their interest grow.
💭 Be a safe space where kids can express themselves. The main difference between a parent-child relationship and say, an auntie-child relationship, is that you're not the primary caretaker, says Turner. Unlike being a parent, there's less pressure to be the perfect role model. And kids might be afraid to share certain things with their parents because they're worried they'll get in trouble or disappoint them. Because aunties and uncles operate in this neutral safe zone, says Turner, they can listen to kids a little bit differently than their parents.
For this reason, kids “may be more comfortable sharing certain things" with you. So offer a listening ear without trying to fix or change the situation.
💪 Be an ally to the parents. If a kid sees you as a safe person, they might start sharing their secrets with you. Sometimes these are fun secrets, like a surprise they're planning for Mother's Day. But a time may come when they tell you or ask you about something that is outside the scope of your relationship, like questions about sex and love. Turner says if a child shares something with you that you don't feel comfortable keeping secret, follow this two-step process.
Before you talk to the parents, validate the child and what they've shared with you. Then, explain how you feel and talk about how you want to proceed. Turner says you might say, ”Hey, I know you told me this and you wanted me to keep this a secret, but I think that it is something that I need to share with your parents."
Kids might be upset at first, but Turner says they usually get it. "In most cases, the kids understand that you're an adult and that adults have to make some tough decisions that maybe they don't agree with."
It will be years until my niece can talk to me about whatever she’s thinking about or going through. In the meantime, I’ll cherish going on walks with her and listening to her animal sounds.
—Clare Marie Schneider, Life Kit producer and editor
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💞 Want to create a stronger bond with your kids? First relinquish control. It may sound counterintuitive, but if you want to take charge as a parent, stop trying to control your child, says psychologist and author Shefali Tsabary. Her new book, "The Parenting Map," lays out a step-by-step guide for creating conscious parent-child relationships.
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👿 Are we raising unhelpful, bossy kids? Here's the fix. In some cultures, kids roll their eyes when asked to do chores. In others, they'll pitch in without even being asked. Researchers have identified two key practices for raising helpful children.
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