👯How to show your friends you love them

Dear Life Kit: Is it possible to stay friends with a new parent?

View this email online Photo credit: Malaka Gharib/NPR Your hair looks great! Is your mom feeling better? Sure, I’ll help you move. Of course I’ll find time for you.   There are so many different ways we can show up for our friends. And so many different types of friends we need to show up for us in our lives: high school buds, work chums, roommates, neighbors and that one Instafriend who always hypes up your new post.   But it can be hard to hold on to these relationships, especially in adulthood. We get caught up at work and plans slip. Our lives begin to center around our romantic partners. And our weekends are eaten up by errands, family obligations or serious couch time to recover from the work week.  As busy as life may get, it’s still important to hold on to our platonic relationships, says Marisa Franco, psychologist and author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends. She tells Life Kit that humans need meaningful social connections to survive. “It takes an entire community for us to feel whole,” says Franco — and the stronger our relationships are, the more likely we are to thrive.  So how do we create deep and lasting friendships? The same way you create anything else, silly: with time, effort, attention and care. Franco shares 4 science-backed tips on how to strengthen the platonic connections in our lives.  Listen to the episode 🤗Shower friends with affection. Affection isn’t just for romantic relationships or children. It’s about communicating love and appreciation, and there are lots of ways to show that to our friends. Tell them how much they mean to you and let them know how happy you are to hear from them. Let them know how great you think they are. These simple acts let the other person know it’s safe to invest in your relationship.  Photo credit: Malaka Gharib/NPR 🎁 Lavish them with your skills and talents. Being generous with your time and resources is a great way to strengthen the bonds of friendship. If you're great with kids, you might offer to babysit for friends who are parents. Or if you got a raise at work, treat your friends to a fancy dinner to celebrate. Access Sponsor-Free Episodes Want to support our show? Try a subscription to Life Kit+ and get all the tips and tricks you love sponsor-free! Learn more at plus.npr.org/lifekit.    Learn more ☕️Spill your struggles, joys ... and guilty pleasures. Trust begets trust, so don’t be scared to let your guard down. Think about how good it feels to tell a friend you secretly like a trashy TV show and hear them respond "me too!" We feel a deeper connection to our friends when our vulnerability is met with validation and support, says Franco. It means they accept us for who we really are, the good, the bad and our Married at First Sight obsession.  🗣Don't sweep your disagreements under the rug. People often see friendships as lighthearted or less serious than romantic relationships, and that can make you less likely to want to deal with conflict directly when problems arise. But Franco says healthy conflict is something to embrace. "It allows us to illuminate each other on how to be better for each other, forever enhancing a friendship," she says. So if you care about a relationship, don’t be scared to speak up when your feelings are hurt or when you think your friend could use a behavior change.  How do you show affection to your friends? Email your response to lifekit@npr.org with the subject line "Affection" by Sept. 27, 2022 and include your name and location. We may feature it in a story on NPR. As for us here at Life Kit: we consider you, our audience, as friends – and we hope you think of our team as your friends too. We’re grateful to share this space with you.  –Andee Tagle, Life Kit reporter   Newsletter continues after sponsor message Dear Life Kit Collage by Becky Harlan and Trish Pickelhaupt/NPR Let’s keep the friendship train going. This week on Dear Life Kit, Ann Friedman, co-author of Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close, gave us advice on how to maintain friendships when someone becomes a parent.    Dear Life Kit, I don’t have kids, but my friends are starting to and it feels like we have less and less in common. How can I keep up meaningful friendships? -Bye Bye Baby Ann Friedman: I love this question as a person who doesn't have kids and loves many, many friends who do. The first piece of advice is to set an intention. Say, "I want to stay friends even though you're a parent now and I'm not." And people who have kids should also say, "Hey, let's stay friends." Sometimes we want to assume the other person won't be interested in our lives now that there's this gap in experience, but honestly, that's not [always the case]. The second part is to stay genuinely curious about what this shift [in their life] means. My eyes glaze over when I read an article about parenting, but when I hear about my friend's personal experience, a person I care about, I'm like, "Yeah, tell me more. Let's talk about it." And I expect the same [curiosity] from them [about aspects of my life] in return. Finally, ask for what you need from each other, rather than just doing a Homer Simpson fade into the bushes. [For example, putting friend time on the calendar far in advance, or meeting up in baby-friendly settings.] Talk about it.  For more expert answers to your stickiest social situations, listen to the Dear Life Kit podcast series or go to the Dear Life Kit series page for advice on friendship and lots more.  💌 We want to hear from you 💌  Life Kit has an advice column, and we're looking for your questions and quandaries to share with our experts. Whether it's about family, friendship, work conflict or something else, fill out this form to submit your conundrum anonymously.  💡 What's a hack that's changed your life?  💡   Send us a note at lifekit@npr.org or leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823. Your life tip could appear on an upcoming episode of Life Kit.  If you want more Life Kit, you can listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify or browse our article archive here.    Stream your local NPR station. Visit NPR.org to find your local station stream. What do you think of today's email? 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